“What Are You Looking For?”
A pivotal question
As I sat down to write this blog post, just for giggles I googled the question “What are you looking for?” I was bombarded with tips on what to look for in a date, in a relationship, in a job. But I’m sure Jesus had something completely different in mind when he asked this question recorded in the Book of John: “What are you looking for?” (John 1:38).
Certainly, we can read multiple levels of meaning into the question. And Jesus probably intended a double entendre, at minimum. It was a pivotal question that would change the lives of those around him who answered it.
At this start of the New Year, it can be a pivotal question for us as well. If we’re honest, I think we’re all looking for something (NRSVUE translation), wanting something (NIV translation), seeking something (ESV translation). But what???
Answering that question can be a movable target. Today, I may be in need of something as simple as a good night’s sleep. Next week, I may be looking for new ways to connect with my kids or my colleagues. Next month, I may be wanting something more creative or more challenging in my life. Next year, I may be seeking a new job or a new way to help my community.
What we are seeking is unique to each of us. And it changes in different seasons of our lives. When I consider the evolution of seeking in my life, a myriad of thoughts collides in my mind. So many wants. So many needs. But, today, I’m reflecting on three wants that have emerged time and time again in my life—and maybe in yours.
Looking for reassurance
It can happen fast. A day starts out like any other ordinary day, and then—wham—you get some news that changes everything.
In my case, that day came when I got my first diagnosis of breast cancer. I’d been humming along, living my life in relatively good health, and had no inkling. Except, maybe I did. After all, my mother and both of my sisters had already been diagnosed with breast cancer.
But it was in that awful camaraderie that I found reassurance. They had walked this path before me. When I was overwhelmed with all the initial decisions, I had someone to talk with about what the medical terms and procedures meant. When I was scared, I could reach out to someone who had experienced that fear and understood my feelings. When the chemo wore me out, I could sit with someone who’d “been there” and feel the deep comfort of their presence.
I was looking for reassurance and found it in those who loved me. And I know God’s love flowed through them, responding to my need.
Looking for recognition
I’m not talking about the recognition of fame or fortune. I’m talking about the recognition of who I am. Who I really am.
Sure, in my twenties and thirties, I wanted approval—even accolades—for my work. I had been promoted several times in my job at Kjos Music Company, and I eventually became the Managing Editor. I worked hard, often staying late in the evening or bringing work home on weekends. All my perfectionist tendencies were out in full force, and I wanted the piano and band method books we were publishing to be “the best.” And they actually were. At the time, they were often recognized as the top method books in the country.
But the nagging thought that “I’m not good enough” was deeply embedded in me, and I couldn’t see that I had value beyond work, beyond constantly producing something good, if not great. I found myself wondering, ‘Where did I miss the lesson on grace? How did I miss knowing, really knowing, that God’s love isn’t based on what I can do?’
It took a very good therapist and some deep soul-searching to come to a place where I could see myself as a valuable child of God—no accomplishments required. To be able to recognize my gifts as God-given. To trust that I was born to create.
Looking for renewal
It’s one thing to feel overworked and in need of a vacation, or overwhelmed and in need of a break. But if you’ve ever reached the point of deep body-knowing that you’re emotionally and physically exhausted—knowing your very soul is at risk—you’ll know what I’m talking about when I say that I came to that point of total burn out. Not just feeling tired. Not just needing to get away for a bit. I was facing what psychologist Joan Borysenko describes as:
… a disorder of hope and will that sucks the life out of competent, idealistic, hardworking people like you.
—Joan Borysenko, Fried: Why You Burn Out and How to Revive
I left my job and gave into the exhaustion. I took a lot of naps. I did a lot of journaling. I saw a therapist. I prayed. It took weeks, months even, to begin to recover, but gradually I began to feel small sparks of life breaking through my numbness. I kept returning to Joan’s words, not just in her role as a psychologist but as someone who had experienced burnout herself:
When I burn out … trying to do and be my best … my most loving, creative self goes missing … Revival from burnout is always about the recovery of lost authenticity. It’s waking up to who we really are.
—Joan Borysenko, Fried
I think waking up to who we really are is central to Jesus’ question “What are you looking for?” It’s a probing question that takes us to the core of ourselves, to our deepest longings, and leads us to a rediscovery of who we were created to be. To a renewal of mind, body, and spirit.
A wish list of wants
If you’ve read any of my blog posts, you’ve probably noticed that I quote Ted Loder a lot. He was the pastor at the First United Methodist Church of Germantown when I lived in Philly, and I had the great privilege of getting to know him and to edit his books. His words, his prayers, are now a part of my life.
So when I started writing this post, it was natural to turn, as I often do, to Ted’s writing. In his well-known book Guerrillas of Grace: Prayers for the Battle, there is a section called “Prayers for Restoration & Renewal.” The titles alone paint a “wish list” of what we are looking for:
“I Am in Need of . . . of What?”
“Touch Me Deeply so that I Will Find a Sense of Self”
“Draw Me to Yourself”
“Help Me Unbury Wonder”
“Let Something Essential Happen to Me”
“Keep Me in Touch with My Dreams”
“Quicken in Me a Sense of Humor”
“Set Me Free”
My wish list, my seeking, keeps changing—thankfully! I’ve written about my three R’s: reassurance, recognition, and renewal. Those were then. But what about now? Jesus’ pivotal question, “What are you looking for?”, calls me to look at what’s ahead. What do I long for in this coming year?
But I also think the flip side of that question is, “What does Jesus want for me?” That’s where Jesus’ invitation, “Come and see,” is so life-giving (John 1:39). What is Jesus offering? What is important through his eyes? These are the questions I will sit with and act on in these complex, challenging days of the new year.
I hope, if nothing else, reading this blog post gives you some moments of reflection where you can ask yourself the same question: “What am I looking for?” And let Jesus’ expansive invitation, “Come and see,” guide your steps into this new year.
—Marcia Broucek, graphic designer for Narrative Alive
I welcome your comments about my reflections. If you have anything you want to share about your journey, I welcome your response in the Comments field below.
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All scripture quotations, unless otherwise noted, are from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. Copyright © 2021 National Council of Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
Click here to read more of Marcia’s blog posts.
Click here to see the Narrative Alive graphics and sermon themes for the Narrative Lectionary reading “Jesus Says Come and See.”
